last night i got wasted at our christmas party. we had a charol singing portion of the party which pretty much coincided with my 7th and 8th beers and in between songs i started yelling "play smoke on the water!" Then i proceded to sing a solo rendition of O Holy Night, in its entirety, while doing vibrato by pulling on my neck skin. what a disaster. everyone just thought i was enjoying the holiday spirit. no no, i was plastered.

my party ended when i was trying to ice cookies with a 3 year old and managed to drop a cookie, icing side down, onto the floor. my mom then asked me to excuse my self and go up stairs to have some water and sober up. listen i had a great time. oh and by the way... i passed out at 10:30pm and neither parental unit has mentioned my antics so far today.

two thumbs up for christmas parties.

today i wore a plaid flannel, button down shirt under a black hoodie... this is important for you to know bc of the story im about to tell. so, i went to gap bc they're having a "really big sale" and i suppose it was pretty big. anyway i was looking at these pants and this overly friendly sales girl came up and started chatting me up about how adorable the pants i was looking at looked when you had them on. i concurred and asked if any of the colors didnt have writing (peace, love) etc, or a weirdo flower decal. she replied in a bubbly voice, "you're not much of a girly girl are you?" i almost laughed and asked what gave me away... she responded, "the plaid flannel shirt". she basically has me figured out. god i'm proud of myself.

i then proceeded to browse for, and purchase, several pairs of pants and a sweater - all from the mens department. no shame. deal with it dallas.

things are looking up. more up than they've looked in quite some time. plus i just almost shit my pants a little when i looked at the LSO schedule for next term and realized we're playing beethoven 5, dvorak cello concerto (god bless lindsey crabb) and pines of rome. and on top of everything else my rat tail is looking pretty sweet. what else could i want?

I caught my stride.
I flew and flied.
I know if destiny’s kind, I’ve got the rest of my mind.
But my heart, it don’t beat, it don’t beat the way it used to.
And my eyes, they don’t see you no more.
And my lips, they don’t kiss, they don’t kiss the way they used to, and my eyes don’t recognize you no more.
For reasons unknown

today i found a photo button from some bat mitzvah of me and my 7th grade boyfriend, Jeff. we madeout behind the tennis courts on homecoming and he told me he loved me. looking back, i think i mostly had a crush on his mom. she was a babe. believe you me.

today was a good day for 5 reasons.

1.) just to stir things up a little bit at greenhill school, i went to my brothers holiday choir concert looking like a big dyke. on the whole, i'd say they really just don't know what to do with me.

2.) taran rolled over for me at anni's house tonight and then proceeded to snuggle with me and watch me eat my frosty. he loves me.

3.) i haven't smoked a cigarette since thursday and tonight i made a very deliberate decision not to go to the gas station and further fuel my habit.

4.) i'm finally realizing just how neurotic i've been about this whole breakup thing which, listen, i know it happened a while a go. it's time to move on. like now. im quitting pot, cigarettes, slacking and mooning over kate. seriously. all of those things are gone.

5.) the aforementioned "things im quitting" goal might also be helped along by the fact that i have a litttle crush. nothing serious, nothing to write home about - it's just nice to realize there are other girls on this planet again.

woo. only 15 days until i find out about my mystery vacation. god i can't wait.

i need to get out of here. now. immediately. i'm going to mcdonalds with anni now. it's my saving grace. anni more than mcdonalds. i think maybe i'm not as much of a mess as i tell myself i am. it might be time to grow up. these are my thoughts for the day. i have christmas lights that flash in time with whatever music i'm playing. genius.